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"Nobody's perfect." These immortal words, originally spoken by the legendary Hannah Montana, reign true, even in the cases of the greatest bands to walk the face of the Earth. On this list, I will be taking a look at 7 of what I believe are terrible songs that exist within the catalogs of bands that most, including myself, consider to be great. However, I am going to try to veer away from deep cuts, primarily focusing on songs that did relatively well. Without further ado, let's kick things off with:
"Beverly Hills" - Weezer
Right off the bat, I begin with a track that repulses me on a personal level. Sure, Weezer has unveiled lots of flaming garbage since the release of their 2005 LP Make Believe ("Can't Stop Partying," "Feels Like Summer," "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived," etc.), however, it is this cut that stands out and hurts the most. It appears that in hindsight, "Beverly Hills" was a sign of things to come. This lifeless dribble oozes with a disingenuous sense of self-hatred that carelessly spits all over the legacy of one of the greatest alternative rock bands of all time, one that made its name insisting that they did not need to look or sound like the other bands on the charts in order to make a mark on the musical world. From the slow, dumbed down instrumentation to the moronically morose lyrics of Rivers Cuomo that more closely resemble a suicide note rather than a child-like yearning for greater fortune, this song is an insult. And before you say it, no, this is not a satirical take on the lifestyles of the rich and the famous (btw Good Charlotte sucks too), it just simply isn't. Boo. Next.
"Poison" - Alice Cooper
So here's an interesting case, to be completely honest... I kinda like this song. Sure it's about as corny as a box of Kelloggs, but its cheesy-ness almost makes me adore it at times. However, I get the sense that my ironic enjoyment of the song wasn't necessarily by design. "YOUR LIPS ARE VENOMOUS POISOOOOON! YOU'RE POISON RUNNIN' THROUGH MY VEINSSSSS! YOU'RE POISON, I DON'T WANNA BREAK THESE CHAINS!" See didn't that make you cringe a little? Lord knows I did just typing that. From head to toe, this song overflows with a sense of melodrama that at this point serves as a perfect representation of what was the late 1980's. Speaking of late 1980's, THAT SNARE DRUM THO. This song, like many during the 1980's, reeks of what I call "80's snare," a snare drum sound that carries so much reverb and decay it might as well have been tracked within the depths of the Grand Canyon. Alice Cooper is a legend, however "Poison" seems to stick out at this point like a sore thumb... I WANNA LOVE YOU BUT I BETTER NOT TOUCH- alright sorry I'll stop, I'll stop.
"I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" - Aerosmith
**crunches Kelloggs corn flakes** 'member- **gulps** 'member that corny-melodramatic thing I just mentioned in the Alice Cooper review... Yeah... uhm... look I love Aerosmith, Toys in the Attic is my jam (song and album), but God, is this song so over-the-top and up its own a** with melodrama it could become the theme for a day-time soap opera and no one would bat an eye. While Aerosmith themselves didn't write the song, it seems that "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" has become a sort of "song that shall not be named" amongst some Aerosmith fan circles, ones that I've personally observed anyway. However, while this cut certainly bleeds of melodramatic-cheesy-goodness, one could make the argument that it therefore was the perfect song for the movie in which it was crafted for, that movie being 1997's equally cheesy Armageddon. While being melodramatic certainly doesn't make a song terrible by default, "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" does it in a way that is so distracting that it takes away from the song itself, not to mention the lyrics can be... creepy, to say the least.
"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing, watch you smile while you are sleeping, while you're far away dreaming. I could spend my life in this sweet surrender. I could stay lost in this moment forever. Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure"
Like seriously, this is some serious Sting-level creepiness...
"Emotional Rescue" - Rolling Stones
My God, this song is awful. Now, I'm going to be frank and lay my biases on the table: I don't like the Rolling Stones. Correction: I don't enjoy the Rolling Stones. However, while I don't find myself reaching for their catalog often, I do respect them to no end and believe I am still able to objectively distinguish the good from the bad (music, objectivity, ha). What baffles me most about this song is that... well... if my memory is correct, Disco died in 1979. Yet for some strange reason, this song existed in 1980. "Emotional Rescue" polarized many fans upon its release, and with good reason. The band had come out with something that sounded less like a Rolling Stones song, and more like Mick Jagger doing his best Marvin Gaye impression. The bass might be funky, but the guitar is mostly non-existent and the song drudges on for a good 5 minutes with Jagger singing, in a terribly performed falsetto, lyrics that sound less like someone trying to help a woman in a deteriorated mental state, and more like a man smelling of Virginia Slims and Rheingold Extra Dry creepily trying to pick up a heartbroken girl on the rebound in a smokey bar. Gross.
"Heaven's On Fire" - Kiss
"21 Guns" - Green Day
To quote YouTube album reviewer Crash Thompson (a.k.a. "The Rock Critic"), "Wow. We done f***ed up. Holy s*** we suck. #youblewit." (sung to the tune of "21 Guns" of course). With the release of their 2004 album American Idiot, Green Day released two singles in "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" and "Wake Me Up When September Ends" which proved to be immense successes along with the album itself. What did these songs have in common? They were slow, somber tracks that exploded with power and emotion. When it came time to release their 8th studio album 21st Century Breakdown, an album that attempted to recreate the magic conceived on American Idiot, Green Day seemed to think that if they wrote the same type of emotional, slow-burner that they'd find similar success. Well, they certainly succeeded. The downside, however, being that their attempt at this, "21 Guns," well, sucks. While Billie Joe Armstrong whole-heartedly sells each performance on the two aforementioned American Idiot singles, his performance on "21 Guns" comes across as lazy, uninterested and defeated. Even if this approach was intentional, it still doesn't fit given the power that the instrumentation attempts to deliver. Armstrong's falsetto makes him sound half-asleep, the instrumental lacks punch and my God they even ripped off the Full House theme song for the guitar solo... I'm dead serious. Yuck. We almost done here? It can't get worse than this right?
"Seven Nation Army" - The White Stripes
N- No. No- p- please. Noo. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Well, we're here. I've heard people describe Jack White as being a "hipster," which I can understand. The problem with this seems to be that in his attempt at being trendy, he seems to think that playing the guitar with the skill of a 7-year old is a representation of counterculture... or something. I've heard people describe Jack White as a "Guitar God," which, my God, makes me lose faith in the existence of the latter. You ever go to Kohls to pick up a decent pair of slacks, get to the checkout counter and notice that next to the $2 Xbox 360 games sits a $50 electric guitar, covered in like, flames and s*** accompanied with a "Learn to play" DVD? Yeah? Now imagine being a successful mid-20's Edward Scissorhands and being like, "Oh dude this would sound so sick behind some quarter-note centered drum beats and lyrics that either rhyme "it" with "it" or just don't rhyme at all." Yeah. That's Jack White. He sucks, this song sucks, and my GOD DO MOST SPORTS FRANCHISES SUCK FOR PLAYING THIS DURING EVERY SPORTING EVENT. Ugh. I'm so done.
Well that was fun huh? Yeah it was. But hey, these are just my opinions. Don't let your blood boil too hot over this, I like lots of terrible music too. Like I'm literally listening to Bullet For My Valentine like right now. Cool? Cool.