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A Chef, Without the Line: Part 3

Part 3: The unedited thoughts of a chef who struggled with suicide and substance abuse, beginning a new life through music.

Avicii "Without You"

Part 3

Do you ever get signs from a higher being, person, dream, thing, or energy? Maybe even déjà vu?

I have always got signs on what I should be doing with my life, sometimes before I know I should be doing the things I have been shown in a dream or memory that vanishes like a smoky mist in the wind.

In the last few previous parts of my writings, I have described my cooking career and some challenges I have faced during some experiences in a kitchen. I have often thought, wondered why I have taken this long in life for music to find me. But I look back at photos I have taken and remember an exact moment where I experienced déjà vu, as if I was in an moment in time I already had been in; almost as if I was reliving a carbon copy of my own life. They say déjà vu is a way to know that you’re in the exact moment, place or time you should be in life.

I am one of the most impatient people around. I work fast, I am always on time and produce very rapidly. This has been a trait that has progressively got worse and better within a kitchen. Some people find it very professional and others find it intimidating, almost as if I am a dictator expecting unrealistic results. I think I am this way because I know my time is valuable as well as others and I don’t want to dick around and say “Oh it can wait” or “I’ll do it tomorrow.” I just can’t stand waiting for results.

Music has slowed me down; enough where I want results as fast as possible, but I don’t expect them as I would with cooking and working in kitchens. I expected immediate results in a kitchen, constantly asking “How long” on ticket times and dishes, knowing the response was “Sixty seconds, chef.” I had a constant push to drive the line hard, rapid, and anything that got in the lines way of our steaming locomotive would get derailed, smooshed, and flattened by our expediency. I moved the line like I was moving narcotics. Quick.

Work of this nature was a turn on. It was fast, perfect, and orchestrated. But not every service was perfect. As I mentioned in my previous parts to my story, I couldn’t lead kitchens anymore, and I felt, no, knew the people and their shitty personalities in the kitchen or restaurant ruined it for me. I got tired of people crying that couldn’t keep up, handle the pressure or even the drive and push to put a fire under their ass and move. I am discussing this again because lately, I am reflecting on how music is slowing me down. I find myself enjoying the pace, the time it is taking me to learn how to mix as a traditional DJ, and produce music. I find myself responsible for my own success and pace, knowing I can learn at a fast rate or even a slow one, but ultimately the learning is up to me and the quality, product or expectation is all an outcome of my own level of production.

The other day I was contemplating how some people seem to be born with natural talent such as playing the piano or racing shifter karts. I was once told I was born with natural talent, that I could pick anything up and learn it very rapidly compared to most. What is natural talent and why do others or even me possess this? Why didn’t I find music at an early age and become this international artist such as ZEDD, Avicii or even Martin Garrix? By no means am I comparing myself to their skillset or relating myself to their caliber of talent, but it makes you wonder, think, and visualize a different or alternate universe of what would have happened if music found me at an earlier age, where I would be, and what I would be doing.

I started realizing that no matter how I wanted my life to turn out, what I wish I could redo or even experience, my life had to happen this exact way at the exact moments so that I could experience all these occurrences in my life to find music the way I did. Thinking back to my déjà vu’s, I am beginning to think they are more like chapters to a book. Each one occurring in very specific places and sequences within a story; knowing that chapter seven will not make any sense without reading the previous chapter before it, but reading them in order will allow for the story to unfold and develop, flourish into a guided path of where the story should end.

I’ve been producing and mixing music for less than a year. But everything has happened rapidly in a sense that a year and a half ago if I was asked “Do you think you will ever produce music?” my response would have been no. I’ve taught myself to learn music at a very rapid pace. Twelve hours a day of producing music and mixing on my Denon Unit. Every time I get up in the morning, it’s not a chore to me as cooking would be. Every time I get up, I see my life ahead of me and a path, guided direction on where to go, and leave my shitty past behind and the people I once knew. 

I’m the type of person that doesn’t hold onto grudges. If an argument happens, I usually dismiss it in minutes and move on. But my brain doesn’t let me forget the people that have done me wrong, used me or treated me like shit, slandering my name over their own inabilities to move on. Some nights I have dreams of the people that were conniving, manipulative, the people who constantly talk shit, or the people who lied to better themselves ahead of me. I feel like when I dream about these people and shitty “reruns” replaying in my head, it is a way for the universe to show me the energy I need to move past them and use all the hate, animosity and frustrations I have for them as fuel to my fire; motivating me to move past their shitty self-entitled existence every time I wake up and start my day.

I won’t lie; every time I have these dreams, I have no idea what happens and what takes over the following morning but I have this subconscious energy that is putting all the negativity into a song and using it to better myself away from my past and everyone that has mistreated me. The songs and energy within them I create have a lot to do with my past, and I wouldn’t have found music without the people that surround their shitty lives around mine to make my life a living hell for a fraction, brief moment in time. Thank you to all the wonderful people who have impacted me in such a way to find music and feed my fire. I couldn’t have gotten this far as I have in a year without you. 

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