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My Rebirth: A Fate Meeting with Hayley Kiyoko: ‘Lesbian Jesus’

7-29-18 at Infinite Energy Center in Duluth, GA on Panic! At the Disco’s “Pray for the Wicked Tour.”

By Carrielee CrenshawPublished 6 years ago 9 min read
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My photo with the one and only "Lesbian Jesus," herself : Hayley Kiyoko!

Sunday July 29, 2018, was a day that felt like I’d waited a lifetime for, and it is a day that I will never forget. On that day, I attended my first queer event, my first pop-punk show, met an online best friend for the first time, saw another special online friend, and most importantly of all, met and had intimate dialogue with “Lesbian Jesus” herself, Hayley Kiyoko. I had built up gigantic “Expectations,” for this show and the long awaited meet and greet with Hayley Kiyoko, and I can honestly say that Hayley, the evening, and her team blew those “Expectations,” out of the water in the best way possible!!!

My incredibly special night started even before I arrived at the venue. Upon entering into my Uber, the driver asked me who I was going to see and I told him “I’m seeing Panic! At the Disco on their 'Pray for the Wicked Tour,' however, I am meeting and am most excited about seeing one of their opening acts, Hayley Kiyoko! I love her!” To which my driver responded, “I’ve never heard either of them, but would you like to use Bluetooth to listen to some of their tunes on the way in?” and of course I said “YES!” so we jammed out and by the time he dropped me off at the venue, he was incredibly impressed and told me, “That girl’s album is DOPE!!!”

Being that this was my first queer event ever in attendance, I was beyond excited about it and also didn’t know what to expect and as soon as I stepped out of the Uber, I felt freer. I felt a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt a greater sense of belonging than ever before and I KNEW I had found my family, my home! Everywhere I looked I saw (mostly) young girls, living freely, not afraid to be themselves. I saw rainbow face paint and shirts and socks, flannels, dark colors, ripped jeans, piercings, tattoos, colored hair, and flags upon flags upon flags. General Pride flags, pansexual flags, bisexual flags, trans flags, and of course the most beautiful and important accessories of all: genuine smiles and laughs galore! I made friends with some girls in line and ended up getting to talk to and hug my best Kiyokian friend, because she was a few feet ahead of me in line and then I managed to run into Acacia Evans, a friend I know through Cimorelli and was greeted by a huge hug from her, so before Hayley even hit the stage, it was already one of the greatest and most special nights of my entire lifetime!

Then it came time for the countdown to Hayley’s set. As the seconds ticked down, I got more and more amped up. I was teary, shaky, butterflies in my stomach, just freaking out with happiness! This show carried so much weight and emotion for me and it was way more than just a night to enjoy music, although that was definitely a piece of it! For me, this night represented the top of the mountaintop, my proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, my reward for the months and years of blood, sweat, tears, pain, exhaustion, and all those nights of giving into temptations and using behaviors. For me, this was it. This night gave all those seemingly meaningless, broken, painful, horrible nights a new light, and a purpose for all my pain!

When those lights went out, I went nuts! I was dancing like no one was watching. I was singing at the top of my lungs. I was screaming, cheering, clapping, and gasping. I was for a rare moment, 100% grounded and present. After the last 7-8 months of literal hell, of being lied to, controlled, abandoned, betrayed, ridiculed, shamed, I was in my element and felt happier, freer, more joyous, more in control, more optimistic. I felt seen, I felt heard, I felt validated, I felt needed and wanted, and I’ve been able to figuratively bottle up those memories and feelings in a jar for those bad days that I accept will happen as part of this crazy journey called life!

After Hayley’s set, I made a beeline for the assigned meet-up place for Hayley’s VIP Host, Thatcher, to pick us up and take us to the VIP area. While in line, a girl handed out Pride ribbons she made and I pinned mine to my backpack and then started talking to and meeting some amazing fellow LGBTQ+ girls. It felt so natural talking to them and I just finally realized in that moment what my other peers in the community meant about how much of a family the LGBTQ+ community really is. Immediately I knew I had found my place, my people, my tribe, my home. We all clicked and talked about Hayley of course, as well as our coming out stories and life as young queer women and we took an epic 20GayTeen squad photo! This gave me just enough of a taste of the beauty of the community to garner even more excitement for attending my very first Atlanta Pride in October of this year!

Finally, Thatcher lined us up and brought us upstairs and we could see the set up for the meet and greet! I was sixth in line and finally Hayley came out! There she was, just a few feet from me, just gorgeous inside and out. She is so full of light and love that truly radiates out of her! Then it was my turn! I was shaking, sweating, nauseous walking up and so afraid I’d not remember to say the most important things to her, or just forget to speak altogether, but somehow, miraculously, face to face with “Lesbian Jesus,” I got out to her exactly what I most needed her to hear and that meant the world to me in those few moments with my hero!

I handed her the painting I gave her to express my gratitude toward her for being the catalyst for coming out as gay in June 2018, and reminded her that she had seen it already and retweeted it on her page. I asked her if she remembered and she took a moment to read the words and take it all in and then a big smile erupted on her face as she realized she remembered seeing it previously. I was wearing her old school OG merch shirt, “Girls Like Girls,” and she got so excited and said “I love how you’re rocking that tee!” Then it was time. It was now or never. I took a deep breath and with a quavering voice said, “I just wanted to let you know how much gratitude I have for you. You are my biggest role model, and honestly I would not be standing here talking to you right now if you were not in my life. I’m surviving depression and anxiety and I survived a suicide attempt and I’m surviving being gay in an extremely homophobic environment. I’m here because of you, so I wanted you to have this (I gave her my suicide awareness bracelet my friend gave me after my attempt, because I wanted to pass it forward to the girl who SAVED AND CONTINUES TO SAVE ME.

Upon hearing this, her face changed to one of compassion, understanding, empathy, of feeling my pain. She pulled me into one of the tightest, safest, most comforting hugs I’d ever experienced in my entire life and remembered retweeting the pic of my painting. It was HER IDEA to hold it in our photo together and I told her I’d been through a ton of shit the last seven months and that I’m a suicide survivor and I came out a month ago because of her and she said, “I’m so glad you are here. You deserve to be here and to be happy,” and asked if I’m having fun and I said, “it’s been over a year since I’ve felt this free and happy and it’s because of you. Thank you isn’t enough.” Then I got one more beautiful, parting hug, one of those where you literally feel your broken parts coming back together and took my seat for the Q&A to follow, and as I waited, I got some hugs and love from the girls behind me.

I bravely raised my hand during the Q&A and she answered my very personal question in Q&A as I was greeted with a room of love and her set was PURE MAGIC. I was in HEAVEN! This was what had me in real emotional and processing shock. My overall impressions though were that wow this girl is something special, and a true gift to this world. She has an incredible sense of humor while also having purpose and depth and delivering a message, and that’s a pretty fucking tough balance to have. She is also one of the most genuine people I have ever had a pleasure of meeting and talking to in the industry. She is just so honest, compassionate, charismatic, and so patient with us.

We weren’t allowed to record, but...I was the second to ask a question and I said something along the lines of (remember, shock is real here) of “So I shared this with you personally, but as I told you I’ve literally been through hell and back these last few years and I’ve had long battles with mental health including a suicide attempt and living in a pretty homophobic environment and despite all of that I came out one month ago because of you and I just wanted to know from someone whose life you’ve changed to the point of pretty much keeping them alive, what does it feel like for you to know what you do has that kind of impact on fan’s lives?”

She responded, “First I want you to look around this room and just know you are surrounded by people who love you for who you are. Your life has purpose and meaning and you deserve to be here and I am so thankful you are with us tonight. Just the intensity and the confusion and heaviness of dealing with mental health every day is a lot and to add to it being with people who don’t understand you and love you for who you are can be so tough. Just know I meet others just like you in every city and you are not alone. You are needed. So yes, it is heavy, but it’s something that needs to be talked about and I feel very honored.”

WOW WOW WOW HAYLEY. Honestly I had high “Expectations” for that night and she truly blew those out of the water. I felt so special, loved, validated, valued and wanted and it just meant everything. THANK YOU TIMES A MILLION. I LOVE YOU HAYLEY KIYOKO.

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About the Creator

Carrielee Crenshaw

I’m from Atlanta. I’m a feminist, a proud lesbian woman, a mental health and chronic illness warrior, tattoo/piercing, music and YouTube junkie. I love writing poetry & narratives on women’s/LGBTQ and mental health & pop culture.

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