Why I Miss XXXTentacion

XXXTentacion was a misunderstood rapper, who had a tough and hard childhood and life. June 18, 2019, Jahseh Dwayne Onfroy (XXXTentacion), got killed in a drive-by shooting, at the age of 20.

Jahseh was, for me, not just an artist, he was a person I felt connected to. He was a person that I think everyone in some way would feel connected to or could understand the feelings he talked about.

I have listened to him since his Soundcloud time, where he started. He put words into the emotions I had at the times, I felt the most depressed. He showed me and everyone, that it was normal to feel that way, and that you weren't weird or deserved to die.

He helped me more than the most, he actually helped me the most, and I feel like I knew him, like my brother since I started listening to him. I experienced his ups and downs with him, and wrote to him when he was feeling his words and expressed it on his Instagram stories. I would do anything for him, to help him as much, as he helped me. I would be there for him till the end of time.

At June 18, I saw he wrote "Planning a charity event this weekend" on his Instagram story and I was so proud of him.

A few hours later, I was sitting in my bed, and one of my friends wrote: "X got shot."

I thought, "Ohhh, another rumor, as always."

So, I Googled, and I saw the videos from disrespectful people, recording him while he was sitting in his car, almost lifeless. It was the worst thing, I've ever seen, and to be honest, the worst wasn't, that people were recording him. No, it was that on every video, not a single person helped him. I was crying, crying, and crying, and he was still alive there. I kept refreshing every news side, until 30 minutes after, where my whole life fell apart. He was no longer alive.

My whole heart broke, and I could no other thing than to cry until I fell asleep. It wasn't supposed to be like that.

It was the absolute worst day of my life. And even nine months after, I still haven't let him go, I can't. Since that day, I have written to him every single day to keep him updated, even if it has just been a short message I have written to him because I know, that he understood me 100 percent, and I understood him. I still cry to this day, almost every night. And I know, that people will think, that I'm overreacting. Especially, if they haven't had a depression, and felt more alone than every, and then finally finding someone, who feels the exact same way as you, and the one day he's just gone. Nothing new will ever come from him. But he will always be with me.

The thing is, that people don't even understand, how I can support or love him. "He attacked his ex-girlfriend!" The only story people hear about him. Maybe he did. Maybe he didn't. I can confirm, that he took his punishment, no matter what. The story has never fully been told, and there has been screenshots of conversations of his ex-girlfriend, telling people she was just framing him. But, as I said, yes, maybe he did. Maybe he did attack her. He had a rough childhood with people who let him down and abandoned him, so maybe if he felt like she would abandon him, he panicked. I'm not saying, that IF he did it, it was okay. Of course, it's not okay, he knew that too, which is why he took the punishment.

He was just human, and I don't understand people, that can't respect people like me, who loved and griefs over such an inspiring artist with a rough past. I choose to see through people, and if you like me have followed hi, you would know that he has changed, so much for the better, the last years. He changed, to be a happy person, who tried to see the best in everyone and himself.

He's dead, and even if people didn't like his music or his decisions in life, they should still respect that he was just human. It just shows how sad your life is if you spend your time hating on a person and the person's mistakes when the person is dead.

It's weird, that he gets more hate, than the people who KILLED him, took his life away, and broke millions of peoples' hearts. They did something much more terrible than him, and I'm not saying, that you should hate on them. I'm just saying, don't hate on him. Nobody deserves this, to all the haters, who till this day still hate on him. Give his family, me, his fans and everyone who loved him, the peace and respect to grief. He didn't even get a chance to change his past after this. This is not his fault.

Jahseh, I love you. My heart will forever be broken.