But If Your Daddy Thinks You're Fine...

I have been obsessed with this woman since I was 15 years old. Is it unhealthy? No. Is it a bit much? Probably. Do I care to work on it? Not really! I believe it is the kind of attachment and awe that everyone with a deep appreciation for art or any type of skilled creation expresses towards an artist at some point throughout their lives. My dad has Springsteen, my sister has Jimmy Fallon, my boyfriend has that singer from "Tool," etc. Well, Amy Winehouse is my artist.

July 2018 will mark the 7th anniversary of her death and 7 years of me attempting to figure out what could have gone so wrong in this amazing woman's life that she would inadvertently bring her own life to such a sad and untimely end at the age of 27.

Out of all the persuasive essays I've written in my head on this subject over these past 6 years (with the thesis changing every so often) I always end up asking myself one single question: "How could someone with so much talent, potential, and drive do that to themselves?" Now the trouble of it all is that this was in fact a very volatile, complex cocktail (no disrespect) of tragic events and I've come to realize that there is no easy or tidy answer to this mess. There are undoubtedly many different factors that contributed to her downfall, her own actions included. However, in a recent moment of clarity that was born out of my 11th viewing Asif Kapadia's 2015 Oscar winning documentary on the life of Amy, simply entitled Amy, I came to believe that so many of her troubles came down to one theme that ran throughout her life, a theme that preyed upon and exacerbated her already fragile sense of self, and that theme was unrequited love.

There are some very soft and sensitive people that are born into this world. We all know them. The people that think a little too long and hard about the sarcastic remark you made to them earlier that day; those individuals who feel a little bit more distraught when they see a dead animal lying by the side of the road. This is the club of the deeply touched and easily moved—and Amy Winehouse was definitely a member. She was born, like many others, with an emotional and highly sensitive predisposition. Unfortunately for her, she did not have much luck in having these feelings understood and reciprocated. Without getting into some sort of psychoanalytical biography of Amy's life, I want to quickly point to some key instances within her short journey that not only contributed to her creation of such deeply felt music and lyrics, but also a habit for destructive behaviour.

A Brief History

1. When Amy is about 9 years old, her dad leaves the family to be with another woman. Amy is thus both emotionally and physically cut off from him and essentially loses the attention of one parent... and so begins the lack of reciprocated love.
2. As a self-conscious teenager, she becomes bulimic. When she tells her parents about her illness, they simply brush it off as a phase and don't try to get her any help. Again, I'm no psychiatrist, but her opening up to them could have very well been a cry for love and attention, but instead she is overlooked again.
3. As a young adult, history repeats itself as her boyfriend Blake Civil-Fielder, whom she was by all accounts madly in love with, up and leaves her for his ex-girlfriend. Not only is it reminiscent of her father leaving her family to be with another woman, but now where her romantic feelings are concerned, she has been abandoned. Furthermore, in the traditional sense, her love has not been requited.
4. From this breakup she develops a serious drinking problem and her already difficult battle with manic-depression becomes even more severe. Famously, her friends try to persuade her to go to rehab, for which she replied—well we all know know know the answer. Perhaps a big part of her reluctance to seek treatment comes from the fact that when she asked her daddy for advice on the situation, he thought she was "fine" and didn't need rehabilitation. After this incident, she descended into a drink and drug fueled frenzy. It is my belief that this was a turning point for her. She had wanted all of her feelings to be understood, appreciated and returned by the people who mattered the most, instead she was continually dismissed.
5. And probably one of the most brutal and heartless relationships of them all was her relationship with the media and paparazzi. She wore her entire heart on her sleeve at all times, whether it was through her gut-wrenching lyrics, performances, attire or attitude—what we saw with Amy is what we got. Unfortunately she was then taunted and harassed for years by photographers and reporters who wanted to exploit her, unsympathetically documenting her addictions and erratic behaviour. She gave every part of herself to her music, only to be bullied and gossiped about by those on the receiving end. According to the Kapadia documentary some of Amy's last words to her bodyguard were, "if I could give it all back just to walk down the street without a hassle, I would." She passed away the next day.

So, this woman had a hard time. I do believe that she was loved very much by her friends, family and fans, but there was some poor judgement passed when it came to her well being. Had all the love she felt been requited and nurtured, she could have very well still been here today.

Granted, her story is not original insofar as the world has seen many incredibly talented and sensitive artists think and feel themselves into oblivion with drink and drugs, it is original in the way that it all played out so publicly. We felt like we really knew her, her friends and her family during those years of tumult that overtook her life back in 2007. In my mind, as a society, Amy didn't just leave us with the gift of her God sent voice, but with the gift of an incredibly rare, intimate and well documented portrait of a singer, celebrity, addict and human being. Her experience is a lesson for all of us in how to be a more sympathetic, understanding and loving society. The kind of people who don't look at and pass along pictures of those who are ill and struggling. As someone who loved her and her music, I think I can say that when all is said and done, she was a wonderful (and possibly magical) person who had more inside of her than anyone knew how to handle at the time. It is really horrible that she is not around anymore because of that. Like so many artists that came and went before her, she may not have received the love she desired when she wanted it, but she sure has it now. Let's continue to spread it.